Member-only story
This weekend, my ex took a huge step. He apologized for all the things he did when we were together. He even acknowledge many things that I have played over and over in my head. Of course, after a conversation like that, I felt relieved, but saddened by the fact that I was not crazy. Over the years, I have replayed parts of my marriage, the good and the bad, over and over again. Always searching for answers. What went wrong? How did I fail as a wife, as a woman? I blamed myself over and over, until I slowly crawl out of the hole that I dig myself in my head.
So, today, Monday, I kept replaying our weekend conversation and it dawned on me that although I was the one who walked away, he was the one who left me repeatedly from the beginning.
The first time he left me was devastating. We had just moved together in a beautiful apartment where I thought we were happy. We didn’t have much, but we had a TV and we would binge watch lots of shows. Life as we knew it was good. I was working as a first year teacher and he was finishing up school. Then one day, I woke up from a nap. He wanted to break things and he didn’t seem himself with me. At that point of my life, I didn’t know all the mental attachment issues I had, and of course my life felt like it shattered into little pieces. I couldn’t believe he wanted to break-up. I cried and it was the “worst” time of my life. I remember I would go to my 3rd graders knowing that I was miserable. A friend told me that everything happens for a reason and that it was good that it was happening now at…
