One of the things that I’ve always been really good at is understanding what someone is going through. I usually never give myself credit for anything, but since I’m in the mood of lifting my spirits and welcoming everything, I’m going to say it proudly, “I’m an expert on empathy.” I’ll even hashtag it on Instagram as #expert if need be. But, honestly, since I was a curious young lady about 5 years old, (I call myself young lady, since I grew up too fast; thinking way over my years) I noticed people and their reactions. Of course I first started with my parents, mom and dad. I knew when they were happy, mad, annoyed, frustrated, terrified, hurt, disappointed, jealous, crazy, even when they would fake it. I learned how to look at their face and see the lines, the shape of the face that makes all these different emotions. Next, I would go back and notice what had created this emotion. What was the event that shaped their face that portrayed disgust with the food? What event led to sadness and misery? What event led to bliss after an awful fight? What event led to angry and happy at the same time? As a young lady, I learned how to identify many emotions, feelings, and events. I would find myself understanding why someone would yell. I could also understand why someone would love after crying, and definitely why someone would want the best for you in a life full of sadness, and darkness.
Eventually, I started noticing strangers’ faces. How they acted, what they would say. Slowly realizing that sometimes their actions did not match what they had said. Wait, what? Yes, in case you hadn’t noticed, people say things, but about 90% of the time don’t mean it (no source here, straight from my heart). One might say, “ I feel sad for you,” but they don’t really make anything better. Someone might say, “I like peace,” but they fight every 30 minutes. My favorite one, “I love you,” but they really don’t show it with their actions. Anyways, identifying these misalignments between words and actions are easy. The challenging part is knowing why people do it? Why do people say one thing and don’t mean it? Why do people get angry or cry? Why do people exhibit specific behaviors and others don’t?
All of these answers can be found by knowing about the other person’s life. I imagine their life and the events that led to that specific behavior. When someone honks at me and looks at me in angry ‘I want to kill you’ face, I imagine their house. I imagine that they are trying to get back home to make dinner for their family because they had a long day at work. They probably work at job that they hate, and their boss was after them. I think about all the events in their life that day and how the anger is probably boiling in their body. By the time I accidentally get in front of them, they lose it. Sometimes, people complain about a lot of things. They complain about the weather, the new task at work, the coworker that doesn’t do anything, the lack of energy at work, etc. etc. Then, I imagine. I imagine how they probably have a big bill at home that they can’t pay. Possibly credit collections that they can’t afford, and they have to keep working at a place where they consider miserable. I’ve met people that lie. They lie for everything. They lie about the tea they drank, about the event that happened in the past. They give themselves a happy life, even with all the lies. Then, I imagine. I imagine them as a kid, having to struggle because they were abandoned. They had to lie. They had to survive and it meant lying to get ahead or simply to eat. Sometimes, people argue. They argue about everything and anything. Then, I imagine. Imagine how hard their divorce might have been. How much anger is inside of them, that has not been released. That the healing process hasn’t even began.
Believe it or not, I imagine this and many other stories about people. Sometimes I’m pretty accurate since people share about their life in one way or another. For other stories, I’ll probably never know. But, what I do know is understand people. I get where they’re coming from. I empathize with them at all hours of the night and for any shit they give me through the day. I do it all the time, with everyone. I listen, imagine, understand. That’s the cycle. My cycle. And I’m totally okay with it. A long time ago, I had a mentor and she was extremely mean to me. She made me cry when she told me not to confuse certain people with my teachings. She would tell me I wouldn’t get a job because you know the economy was bad. She made me leave after her because you know I was the intern. She was a mean person. A mean mentor. But, from listening to her conversations, I learned that her husband worked the night shift, I learned that she had two kids and one of them had some issues (I’m not sure what). So I imagined. I imagined (before having a husband myself), how hard that is. Your husband working night shift and you working during the day. When do you talk? How do you connect? When is family time? Slowly, I started realizing that she was just in pain. Her pain was interfering with the best person she could possibly be at that time. I understood her and moved on.
I know many might think why would you even care about her/his life? But, this is what makes me be a reflective person. I can imagine other people’s hurt and understand them and how these feelings shape that person’s presence. It’s important. Empathy is important. It will give you peace, and most importantly healing. Healing to forgive those that have hurt you. Forgiveness to your past, your experiences in order to move on. To move forward with life. Everyone around us has a past, a problem, a challenge in life that we know nothing of. Let’s start their healing process by forgiving them. Look at their eyes and imagine their pain. We are humans, we are all here together, on this crazy journey. Let’s start imagining.
